There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
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As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!