If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
my first day as a raccoon
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”