Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now