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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there