Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
seems fine
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*