So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
The pen is writier than the sword.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty