me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
What鈥檚 the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you鈥檙e a plus one at?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid鈥檚 dresses are expensive.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can鈥檛 hear you!
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 馃槵
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I鈥檓 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I just bought one share of stock. I鈥檓 a finance bro now.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no