I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
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Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.