After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Cake!!
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl