LMAO.
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Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
This why you should mind your business
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load