Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation