daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
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I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
That’s incredible! 👌
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”