Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
You Might Also Like
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face