My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Respect
How dramatic are you?
My wife gives the best headache.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!