Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
This is my pinned tweet
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
this is me
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.