gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I’ve been drinking.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*