God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
I’m putting together a team
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.