Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
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me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
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me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
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*naked in boots*
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“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
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Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download