Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
getting old is fun
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Sign at work today
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea