Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
You Might Also Like
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂