Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
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Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.