The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
*pronounces patio like ratio
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.