If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
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It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.