they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
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A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave