I camp so other people don’t have to.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
mumsnet is amazing
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE