I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.