Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000