Seems a bit forward
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Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Yup
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef