a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I’ll be mad as hell!
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
People buying plungers never look happy.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader