peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
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god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch