I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
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My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”