5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
We’ve all been there
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?