WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Mornin. * use accordingly
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.