[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*