I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.