I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.