Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”