The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
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my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”