For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
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With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”