The biggest mystery of our time
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
sugar glider wrangler
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My daily affirmation
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.