This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.