CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
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I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
incredible
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
all bases covered
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic