I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
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Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
The struggle is real
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.