*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
me and the Superbowl rn
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.