Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
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I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta