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Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.