Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
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“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.