Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
How I’d get arrested…
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge