Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
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Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
i think we should see other cousins
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
They must have gotten it to go.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?