[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
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I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Had to try this trend 😊
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.